Story behind the screen- I answer the question “What fears have you overcome and how?”

Of all the questions I’ve been asked during Q&As over on instagram, this is one I’ve only ever been asked once. The truth is, I have had countless fears, many that I think I have overcome but I know I have simply just pushed them away.

A couple of years ago, I shared a post explaining that I fight (not suffer) an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). Many of you might have read the words eating disorder and wondered why or how that would involve fear. Don’t worry if you did, that used to be me. Before I began fighting symptoms, which caused me to become seriously ill, my biggest fears involved mundane things like heights, the dark and even speaking. But in 2020, I got faced with my biggest fear, death. However, that common fear quickly grew into something so much scarier.

I don’t know how or why, but I began to fear losing control of my body by choking or having an sudden severe allergic reaction. In order to prevent the fear, I cut out most foods; only living on soup, soy milkshakes and ice cream. The fear worsened when my family paid for an allergy test that said I was allergic to everything I was eating. I stopped eating almost completely and began losing an unhealthy amount of weigh at a dangerous pace. Although that allergy test turned out to be a scam, my head couldn’t let it go of the results. Eventually, I stopped touching things, inhaling when people were cooking and also going outside out of fear of contamination that could lead to an allergic reaction. The avoidance only caused the fear to grow.

After numerous hospital trips and tests, nothing was seen to be causing my physical symptoms. I had spent months being passed between different departments, all of which said there was nothing wrong with me. It was only through my own research that I realised that I probably had ARFID (not that the doctors believed me)

Hold me, I’m falling apart
‘Cause I’m scared and lost in the dark
And this feeling surely can not last”

‘Chemicals’ – Dean Lewis

I eventually realised that I didn’t want this to be my life anymore and found peace in listening to music, particularly the words of the incredible Dean Lewis and Anson Seabra, who both played a part in saving my life. As long as my headphones were in and his songs were playing, I was able to try nibbling on crisps and toast. I’ll admit, it’s not healthy, but it helped me to regain confidence in food and by doing that, I was able to think more clearly about why I felt this way and what could be triggering it.

I learnt that my symptoms began soon after receiving difficult family news and then realised that they got worse after losing a loved one. During those periods, I had lost control of my life and knowing that allowed me to reason with myself to recognise my smaller triggers. I’ll admit, I’m still terrified of going outside because of pollen and a fear of wasp allergies, but I’m facing that every day and working tirelessly to get past it.

I’ve come so far, what did I lose?
And I swear to God I’ll make it through
I’ll make it through”

‘Falling Up’ – Dean Lewis

A couple of months ago, I was officially diagnosed with ARFID. While I was discharged the same day without treatment, I know what I need to do to get back to normal, which is simply just perseverance and exposure therapy. I’ve had to learn that this fear probably won’t ever go completed but I can control whether or not it ruins my life.

Since this started in 2020, I have changed so much as a person. Recently I realised that I have overcome my small, mundane fears without even knowing I was doing it. My confidence has grown and I can now talk to people without fear (most of the time). I still try every day to get back to a normal diet but I do it without pressure. Like anything, there’s good days and bad days but I know that the bad days are just my brain reminding me of how far I have come.

I know I’m not perfectly recovered, but I have rediscovered my passion for history and also life. For the first time ever (even before all of this) I actually feel like I am free from the weight of my own brain. I promise that no matter how big or small your fears are, they will always pass but only if you will allow them to.

I know it hurts right now but I know you’ll make it home”

‘Keep Your Head Up Princess’ – Anson Seabra

I know this blog is off topic from history, but we all live behind screens and I feel it is important for me to show you the personal and human story behind the screen. Please know that you aren’t alone in your struggles and that I understand so my inbox is always open to you, no matter who you are or where you’re from. Queen.Victoria.Roses is a community and I want it to be a place where everyone feels comfortable and safe.

Thank you for taking the time to read todays blog, it really does mean a lot for all the support from everyone. I have slowed down on blogs as I’m feeling overwhelmed, however I am planning something exciting for tomorrow so stay tuned!

Please feel free to send me any questions either on social media (Queen.Victoria.Roses) or leave them in the comments section below and I will respond as soon as possible. If you would like to support my work, please feel free to leave a donation through my Ko-fi page so I can gain access to new research resources and continue creating new content. Thank you again for supporting my work, it is greatly appreciated. – Shannon x

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